


Soon

by jonfuckingmoxley



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Gen, M/M, POV First Person, Pre-Relationship, Rickyl, Suicide Attempt, idk man, past self harm, this is me venting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-17
Updated: 2016-02-17
Packaged: 2018-05-21 08:53:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6045508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jonfuckingmoxley/pseuds/jonfuckingmoxley
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Daryl attempts suicide. Rick prevents him from dying.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Soon

**Author's Note:**

> rated mature for the explicit suicide attempt. in the rickyl tag because while it takes place before they're together, it's pretty implicit that that's what's going to happen.

They'd be fine without me. 

I kept tellin' myself that while I looked for a razor blade. I'd only ever felt like this a few times 'fore in my life, and I never acted on it back then. Once the world ended, I's stuck with Merle, and then my new family. Didn't have time to want to die since I's keeping it from happenin' to everyone else. 

But now we's all settled into Alexandria. Everybody's all cozied up and livin' their lives. I'm the only one still out of place here. Guess I was never meant for anythin' even kinda normal. 

Fuckin' finally, there's a stash of blades hid in the downstairs closet. They're the kind ya put in those little box-cuttin' knives. 'S been a while since I cut. Was burnin' myself with cigarettes a lot, least til Rick caught me doin' it. Held my hand and asked me to stop, and I can't really say no to Rick, so I stopped. Thinkin' of Rick just made me more sad. I knew it's wrong, but I's kinda hopin' Rick would be upset, after I's gone. 

He'd move on, though. He's got everyone supportin' him, it wouldn't take long for 'im to forget about me. Kinda wonder if I should've told him how I felt about him 'fore I did this. Guess I could leave it in the note, but that didn't really feel right. I should probably get started on that note, I'm tryin' to get this done 'fore everyone comes home. I's gonna fill up the bathtub and cut my wrist. I wouldn'ta overdosed even if we had the drugs to do it with. I've seen overdoses, they ain't pleasant. I didn't want to die fast, either, and I'da wussed out with a gun anyway. I's gonna leave my gun out with the note, tellin' them what they'd have to do. 

Part of me was screamin' not to do this, that puttin' my family through this wouldn't be worth it. I blocked it out. They would move on, ain't like I'm Rick or somethin'. Ain't no leader. Most'a what I've done for 'em is feed 'em, and now they ain't havin' any problems with that. I wasn't that good a friend anyway, they'd all be able to get on with each other and the folks in Alexandria better if I ain't in the way. It would be okay. 

I grabbed a pen and some paper. I's just gonna say who got what of my stuff, wasn't gonna try and explain why I did it or nothin'. I wanted Carl to get my vest. He'd always said he liked it. Carol was gonna get my favorite huntin' knife. Had the damn thing for years, I know she'd like havin' it. I's leavin' my crossbow to Judith. Rick would teach her how to use it, just like I'd taught him. 

Thinkin' 'bout her, that's what really hurt. It was stupid, but I always kinda thought of her as bein' mine, just a little bit. I know she ain't, but I love her like she was. I always knew I wasn't gonna be the one teachin' her to hunt and track. She's strong, though, she's gonna grow up and survive. 

Maybe if I'da been stronger, I'da been able to see it happen. 

I set the note and the gun on the table, where someone'd find it easy. I started settin' up the bathtub. If I did it this way, they wouldn't have too much to clean up, and I'd be in a small room. It'll be easy to take me down once I turn. 

I locked the door and stripped down to my boxers. Didn't wanna ruin the clothes, those could be given to someone else. Didn't wanna die buck-ass naked, though. The water was on the hot side of warm. It felt nice. 

I took a deep breath an' gripped the blade in one hand. Try and keep it as clean a cut as possible. Then I'd just....bleed out. I'd be gone. I'd be dead, I'd turn, and someone'd have to take me out. I really did feel bad about that. Not more'n I felt like I wasn't needed. 

I was a waste of space and supplies. There're plenty of people like me out there. It would be easy for them to find other folks to do whatever it is I do 'round here. 

I dragged the blade over my skin. God, I'd forgot how much it fuckin' stung. Blood started flowin' out of the wound, and fuck. It felt so fuckin' good to finally do it. I made another cut under that one and set the blade down. Now I just had to wait. I don't think it'll take long. 

I closed my eyes and forced away the panic I started feelin'. Focused on the warmth of the water. Felt my heart start slowin'. Started driftin' off. 

It was gonna happen. I was gonna die. It was gonna be okay. 

Soon I started hearin' this loud poundin' noise, drew me out of my doze. Was that in my head? The hell was makin' that?

The door burst open. Rick'd kicked it down. Why's Rick here? Said in the note I didn't want to be stopped. Dumabass couldn't listen.

I heard him talkin', but it sounded real far away. Was sayin' 'no' over and over again, sounded like he was cryin'. Sayin' how he wasn't gonna lose me. I wanted to tell 'im it's okay,   
I's gonna be gone soon and everyone could go on with their lives. Why was he tryin' to keep me from dyin'? He didn't need me. 

He was tyin' something round my wrist and lifting me out of the tub. I wanted to fight 'im, tell 'im to leave me be. He was callin' out for help. I wished he wouldn't be so loud. I start feeling like I'm driftin' off again, so I lay my head on his shoulder. Guess dyin' while he's holding me ain't so bad. I hear 'im talking again, tellin' me to stay with him, stay awake. I don't think that's happenin', though, so I just get as close to his chest as I can and let myself go. 

\---

My eyes open real slow, I feel like shit. Like when I used to get blackout drunk with Merle.

Huh. I guess I went to Hell. I think wakin' up in Heaven would feel nicer. 

I blink a few times, tryin' to figure out where I am. 

If my eternal Hell looks like one of the medical rooms in Alexandria, I'm gonna be pissed. Not surprised, but I'm still gonna be pissed. Was tryin' to get away from all that. 

I looked down at my wrist. It was covered in thick, white bandages. Hell wouldn't've fixed up my wrist. 

I think Heaven lookin' like Alexandria is actually worse. 

Then I notice Rick is there. He's got my left hand held real tight in both of his. He looks bought as torn up as he did way back in the prison, after Lori. Idiot. If he'da just left me alone, he wouldn'ta felt like he needed to save me. I guess it was kinda sweet, but I's still angry. I's tryin' to die and he fucked it up. 

Maybe I could just try again later. 'Less they put me on some damn suicide watch. Swear to God, if these people didn't just let me die, I was gonna start throwing punches. I tried to move my hand and gasped. It hurt, felt sore up to my damn elbow. 

My noise must'a woke Rick up, cause his head shot up real quick. He looked at me, and he looked relieved, until he started lookin' kinda angry. 

"Daryl, what...why...why?" 

I didn't wanna tell 'im, so I just shrugged. It was pretty obvious he didn't like that answer 'cause he pinched the bridge of his nose 'tween his fingers like he always did when he was frustrated or annoyed. I felt bad for annoyin' him. 

"'m sorry for makin' you angry.'

Rick looked back up at me. "What? No, Daryl, I'm not...I'm not angry, I'm fucking terrified. You tried to kill yourself. You were...there was...I was so scared, Daryl, I thought you were gonna die."

He grabbed my uninjured hand again, makin' sure I was lookin' him in the eye. "I cannot lose you, Daryl. Please, whatever made you do this, please let me help."

"Rick...you're gonna be fine without me. All y'all are. You got each other and it's safe here, you don't need me no more. I'm just...wastin' space, you know? Ain't no need for me to be here."

"What are you talking about? You think you're a waste? What the...Daryl, you're one of the reasons this place is as safe as it is. And...you really think we don't need you? You really think I don't need you?" 

He was gettin' angry, and so was I. I sat up, pulling my hand away from 'im. 

"Yeah, I do. Y'all are all doing just fine. You don't need me to hunt no more, you don't need me to protect ya. What the fuck else I ever been good for, Rick? Don't matter if you care about me or not, don't matter if you think you need me, you don't! Nobody here does! I-"

I have to stop talkin', I'm gettin' real light-headed and it's kinda hard to breathe. Rick is at my side again, tellin' me to take deep breaths, one hand on my back and the other on my chest.

"I'm sorry, Daryl, I shouldn't have gotten so angry. I just-please, you can't really believe that, that you aren't needed. I don't know what I'd do without you."

I close my eyes and he helps me lay down again. "I just wanna die, Rick. I'm sorry for puttin' you through all this, but I don't...I don't feel right being alive. I don't feel good." I was cryin' now, and I didn't care enough to try and stop it. "Feel like I'm goddamn alone all the time, and I ain't been hurtin' myself ever since you told me to stop, I been wantin' to so, so bad, and....I don't know, Rick. I just don't wanna be alive. I feel like I shouldn't be."

Rick runs one of his hands over his face 'fore he talks. "Daryl, I...I don't know what to say." He's leanin' close to me, cuppin' my face in one hand. "I do know that you should be alive. You should be here, with us, with me. You're not alone, and I'm sorry that we've made you feel that way. I don't know what I can do to change how you feel. I don't...I don't know if I'll be able to. But I swear, Daryl, on my children's lives, I am not going to lose you. Not like this. I barely survived losing Lori, and if you...if you died, Daryl, I don't think I'd make it."

I don't really believe 'im. I want to, I do, but I'm scared to believe he actually means what he says. Ain't ever had someone say all that to me. Hell, I been told to kill myself more than I been told to stay alive.

"I don't know if I'm gonna be able to believe that, Rick. Least not right now. Don't know if I won't try this again, either. I'm sorry. I don't think you or anyone else's gonna change that. I'm really sorry, Rick."

He looks torn, and his eyes're tearing up. Then he's bringing my good hand to his face and pressing a kiss to the knuckles. He holds it to his forehead and lets 'imself cry, his shoulders shaking. I can feel some of his tears hit my arm.

I can't stand seeing Rick upset like this, 'specially since I's the source of it. I turn my hand in his so I can wrap my fingers 'round his. 

"Guess I can try. You know...try and get out of this. Try and get better. Somethin' awful happenin' might set me off, hell, somethin' small might send me back to lookin' for razors. But I can try."

Rick breathes out a relieved sound, even though he's still cryin'. I really don't know what's gonna happen. Part of me is sayin' to just wait til he leaves and try it again. The part of me sayin' I should stay alive, even if I ain't doing it for myself, is a little bit louder, though. 

\---

Years later and I'm out in the woods, teachin' Judith how to hold the crossbow right.

I still look down at my wrist sometimes, and I still have passin' thoughts about tryin' again. I don't think I will, though. Maybe in a few more years, I won't even have those thoughts anymore. 

And now...I'm actually hopin' I make it to find out.

**Author's Note:**

> so...i guess this is me trying to work some stuff out. what daryl feels in this story is what i've been feeling for a long time now. like i'm just kind of a waste and that i shouldn't be here, and that it would be easier for everyone to just forget about me and move on. that everyone would be better off without me. and today, a friend told me that a major notp is becoming canon, and i guess that just pushed it. that was the icing on the 'fuck you' cake the universe has been stuffing down my throat for the past three years. everything has kinda gone downhill, i've been self harming almost every day for a few months, i don't feel good about being alive. 
> 
> i guess i just want someone to say what rick said to daryl in this to me. maybe i just needed to say it to myself through this. i don't know. i don't know if this will really help, in the end. i don't know what will help. nonetheless, i'm hopeful for the future, at least a little. that's why the story ends like it does. i really, honestly cannot stand sad endings. and if i'm supposed to have a sad one, well, hell. that makes it my responsibility to fill the world with as many stories and stuff where the characters get a happily ever after. gotta keep it balanced, and all that. either way, i hope this story is tolerable. i wrote it for me, but i think maybe other people might want to read it, too. maybe what rick says, or even what daryl says, will help someone who reads it. i hope all of you who decide to read this have a wonderful day, and please, please, if you're feeling hopeless, or suicidal, i urge you to find help as soon as possible. 
> 
> you should be here, and we need you.


End file.
